MORE STORIES THAT DON'T SOUND LIKE I WROTE THEM! The United States transferred security operations in southern Afghanistan to NATO on last week. During the handover ceremony in Kandahar, Lieutenant-General Karl Eikenberry assured representatives from key NATO member-nations that Taliban and al-Qaeda fighters would not defeat the combined Afghan and foreign forces. Afghanistan is currently experiencing its bloodiest stretch of violence since the US-led invasion of 2001. Over seventeen hundred civilians have lost their lives in 2006 alone. Lieutenant-General David Richards called the upsurge in violence "a desperate attempt by militants to derail the transition of power", and predicts NATO's mission should be completed within three to five years. After that, Afghanistan should finally be able to concentrate on development and reconstruction. In Mexico City, chaos continues to spread as supporters of defeated leftist Presidential candidate Lopez Obrador gather by the hundreds of thousands to demand a recount. Obrador narrowly lost the July 2 election to conservative ruling party candidate Felipe Calderon amid allegations of widespread electoral fraud. Although Obrador has apologized for any inconveniences caused by the protests, he defends them as "the only way to save Mexico's young democracy". Meanwhile, Mexico's financial markets are beginning to feel the pinch, as bonds, stocks and currency all fell on concerns that protests may turn violent. Seems pretty appropriate, considering who all those money men supported in the election. If you see Boy George picking through garbage on New York City streets, don't be alarmed. The flamboyant Culture Club front-man hasn't fallen on hard times. He's simply performing his court-ordered community service as punishment for a recent incident in which he lied to police about his apartment being burglarized. Officers responding to the Karma Chameleon's phony crime-call found no evidence of a break-in, but they did find his cocaine stash. And while sorting trash in the summer heat might seem harsh, the gender-bending 80's refugee should at least be grateful he wasn't sentenced to sit through a performance of his Rosie-O'Donnell-produced Broadway musical mega-bomb, Taboo. What do you get the gay man who has everything? How about a red-hot Italian Priests Beefcake Calendar! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY July 31 On this day in 1975, labor leader Jimmy Hoffa vanishes into thin air. Speculation about Hoffa's fate has always tended towards the grim side -- he's burried at the Meadowlands, his corpse was dumped in the Ausable river, etc. -- but authorities have never been able to pin down exactly what became of him. We here at the Daily Dirt prefer to take an optimistic view of the Hoffa story. After all, who's to say he isn't lying on the beach under a tropical sun right this very second, sipping a "boat drink" and reading a Tom Clancy novel while the local talent takes turns spit-shining his wrinkly old knob? It's possible I tells ya! Starting just before midnight on this day in the year 1966, chronic headache-sufferer Charles Whitman goes totally fucking ape-shit. After killing his mother and wife, he grabs a rifle and climbs to the observation deck of the University of Texas clock tower and proceeds to rain hot leaden death upon the cowering students below. Ninety minutes and sixteen corpses later, a police officer is finally able to introduce Mister Whitman to his maker. Later, an autopsy would reveal a golfball-sized tumor in Whitman's brain. The concept of S.W.A.T. policing basically came about because of Whitman's rampage. On this day in 1790, the very first United States patent is granted to Samuel Hopkins, for his miraculous potash processing technique. Yer old pal Jerky doesn't even know what potash is but is duly impressed, nonetheless! On this day in 1922, Ralph Samuelson becomes the first person to ride on water skiis. The weird thing is, he doesn't do it in Florida, where you might expect that kind of thing to happen. Trail-blazing Samuelson strapped those planks to his tootsies in the great state of Minnesota, on one of her many scenic (and ice-cold) lakes.

THEY SAID IT! "British Petroleum claims the profitable timing of its Alaska pipe shutdown can be explained because they've only now run a smart pig through the pipes to locate the corrosion. The pig is an electronic drone that BP should have been using continuously, though they had not done so for 14 years. The fact that, in the middle of an oil crisis, they've run it through now, forcing the shutdown, reminds me, when I consider Lord Browne's closeness to George Bush, that the company's pig is indeed, very, very smart." - Greg Palast, one of the last remaining investigative journalists working today, is also a pretty funny guy. *** **** *** "You can command the latest M-1 tank, feel the rush of a paratrooper freefall, fly a Cobra Gunship or defend your B-17 as a waist gunner!" - The Army is considering a proposal to allow a private developer to build a military-themed amusement park. Anybody got any suggestions on a name? If so, send them in. For now, here's yer old pal Jerky's: Deathneyland!

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Dave on Dope! A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?" Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, I've been telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute! *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Trembly Dale for sending in today's second joke. A very loud woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and Welcome to Wal-Mart... Nice children you've got there! Are they twins?" The woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they aren’t, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you so stupid you think they look alike?" "No Ma’am", replies the greeter, "I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by A69778... Three gay men died and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Donny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Kenny was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in to a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: HOW TO MATCH JOB APPLICANT TO APPROPRIATE POSITION care of: a couple of you Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates into the room and close the door. Leave them alone, and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation: If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department. If they are recounting them, put them in auditing. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations. If they are sleeping, put them in security If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology. If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources. If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales. If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing. If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress! [Either that, or just leave them there. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey, Jerky, as with most people, I’m finding, Wingnut looked for just enough information from the poisoned well, that is the media, to slake his prejudiced thirst, antiquated as it may be. It was painful reading his opinions, especially since he didn’t have the benefit of facts. Which brings me to a larger point; without the benefit of fact, you’re not entitled to an opinion or at least not a public one. To say it’s the fault of the citizens of New Orleans that they were relegated to resembling third world beggars is an interesting statement, to put it mildly. Using that logic, how then can he justify Dubya’s multi-billion dollar bail out of the airline industry in 2001 or R. Reagan’s multi-million dollar bail out of Marin County, California’s mudslide victims in 1982? Reagan declared Marin County as a national emergency, however, in the summer of ‘81, the Mississippi River flood victims in Tennessee were initially viewed with indifference. The airline industry and citizens of Marin County are wealthy enough to work through their own setbacks by way of insurance, bank accounts and marketing strategy or even loans, if need be, without government intervention and yet the lifeline they were thrown was not only timely, but laced in gold and magnanimity. The very first step in a government bail out is giving a fuck. Now, let’s see, how does this differ from New Orleans and Tennessee? I’m not going to say anything more about Wingnut’s ravings because you and every other Dirt-phile is aware of the error of his viewpoint in every aspect. But where there’s a Wingnut, there’s an equal and opposite Moonbat, and yes, you guessed it, Moonbat nailed it. YOPGessier *** **** *** jerky, I feel 100% with Andy S, about the Bush administration. Hope more people feel this way and fight back with there vote. odinski [Me too, times two. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, I admit I hadn't listened to much Zappa previously, but I've always appreciated his opinions and after watching that clip of him and Vai, I'll be listening more too. To be fair, that was about a 40-year old Zappa going after a 20 year old Vai, but still... Vai blowing Frank's cig off his guitar afterward was cheesy, and it looked like Frank wanted to slap the shit out of him. And he should have, too, if for no other reason than coming on stage in those fag-ass shorts. And watching the Zappa Tribute video of the same song afterward with a 40-year old Vai picking on (pardon the pun) Dweezil didn't help my opinion. Vai is still a bad-ass, though. I'm rambling; sorry. Must be the weed. Keep it up, my brotha! -- Nearing a Prog Conversion [One of us! One of us! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Thanks for the Sunday night Dirt. I had long since thought you didn't work weekends! Anyway, I agree with Andy S., though I've never had anything against those in the middle east. However, it doesn't take a lot of imagination to know what those people are going through, hundreds of thousands of lives lost for absolutely no fucking reason other than someone deciding that it should happen. YOPGessier [Sickening, isn't it? - Jerky] *** **** *** Mel Gibson has been struggling with alcoholism his whole life? I think he’s been struggling with bigotry his whole life. Alcoholism seems quite the lesser of the sins. ACD [I like the part where he called the booking clerk "sugar tits". - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, Why can we not have a demonstration against BushCo? I was not alive until '77, but I have been led to belive that there were massive demonstrations for and against things like Vietnam, Black rights, Women's rights, etc... in the past. Why can't we do that today? I am not a leader-of-men, but I would surely try to attend such demo. Has no one tried to get one together other than that lady in Texas? PS. Can you re-arrange your Dirts so that the Jokes are last? YOUR OLD PAL! RealDeadMan [The problem comes when it's time to pick which atrocity to - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey, How do your ancester feel about having a piece a SHIT creature like you in their family? (If they have more brain than you to think about that). DON'T YOU DARE TO TOUCH MY KING, you are such a piece of SHIT, you are not good enough even just to say his name. If you are dare enough then disclose your name and address to all people also Thais. SON OF A STUPID WHORE, YOU MOTHER FUCKER that's why you have brain like the one you have now, brain that's FULL OF SHIT. Supak Medley [Sigh. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com