GLOBALISM RAMPANT - TRIUMPH OF THE SWILL! As Preznit Dubya was wrapping up his visit to the subcontinent, Daily Dirt reader Faustus Bidgood wrote in to ask the following question: "Tell me again how it's good for our country to send our jobs to India?" Yer old pal Jerky is no economist -- he's more of a philosopher/pornographer -- but I've never let that stop me from flapping my big fat gums before, so why start now? So please, feel free to join me as I dip a gnarly toe into the cold, unforgiving waters of the dismal science. The benefits of outsourcing, if my reading of the propaganda is correct, tumble ineluctably from the clear and obvious logic of free market economic theory as best expressed by Hayek and the Chicago School. In this Brave New World Order economy of ours, such tasks as manufacturing, technical support, customer service, data entry, computer programming, claims processing, transaction processing, document management, debt collection, telemarketing, research, accounting and design engineering are simply beneath us, just like farming and housecleaning. We have outgrown these lowly functions collectively, as a nation, and the proof of this is that there are other people, in other parts of the world, who are willing to do those jobs for a tiny fraction of what we would expect to be paid to do them. Therefore, it obviously makes no sense at all for us to keep doing them here in America. That would be wasteful and stupid; a pig-headed and doomed attempt to deny the reality of the situation because of erroneous, nostalgic ideas about what it means to have "a job". You see, as a First World Economy, it makes far better sense for us to channel our productivity towards fields of speciality that are more likely to legitimately provide our workers with the kind of income needed to survive and thrive in the society that has resulted from our global preeminence. CAPITAL INVESTMENT -- letting our money work for us -- is where it's at. Cheap sneakers need not be the sole benefit of shipping our manufacturing base to the sweltering, unregulated hellpits of the Third World. It's true that you can't get a job stitching sneakers for Nike anymore, but nothing's stopping you from INVESTING in Nike! Basically, it's like this: We're the IDEAS MEN of the world. We're all about BROAD-SPECTRUM INNOVATION and KNOWLEDGE ASSET MANAGEMENT and, of course, BRAND IDENTITY DEVELOPMENT. Trimming flash from plastic widgets is best left to the undiferentiated Oompa-Loompas of Southeast Asia, whose squalid desperation imbues them with a work ethic that hovers somewhere between the psychopathic and the homicidal. This arrangement has the added benefit of rendering our frantic, geographically-disadvantaged cousins too exhausted to take part in the MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS, leaving the POP MUSIC and TV SCRIPTWRITING and MULTILEVEL MARKETING fields wide open for us First Worlders. Of course, globalism is not without its limits. For instance, with the price of oil at record levels, it wouldn't be cost effective for us to ship our soiled apparel to the Far East for laundering (even though they're so darn good at it). This represents perhaps the greatest challenge to our Brave New World economy, and steps are already being taken to rectify the situation. You may have noticed that the outflow of jobs to the Third World has been accompanied by an influx of Third World workers via legal and other venues. This is not a coincidence. It is, in fact, part of a vigorous effort to level the unconscionable inequality in global pay rates for SERVICE INDUSTRY work. This is resulting in a two-fold positive effect on America's economic environment. First, it is democratizing the job market by exposing the true value of these so-called jobs, which is somewhat south of minimum wage in most cases. Second, it is providing the best possible incentive for the lazy, unambitious and unfortunate among us -- those without exploitable talents, marketable knowledge or investable capital -- to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and get their shit together, for fuck's sake. The logic of this system, as previously stated, is ineluctable. Resistance, as should be obvious, is futile. *** **** *** Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY March 7 On this day in 1774, British forces close the port of Boston to all commerce. The resulting baked bean shortage leads to a marked increase in the air quality of neighboring colonies. On this day in 1988, one-handed pitcher Jim Abbott wins the 58th James E Sullivan Award, which is given annually to the best one-handed player in Major League Baseball. On this day in 1989, Iran drops diplomatic relations with Britain over Salman Rushdie's novel, The Satanic Verses. Britain doesn't much care, seeing as their "relations" with Iran hadn't been very "diplomatic" for decades by then. On this day in 1993, Diff'rent Strokes actor Todd Bridges is arrested for stabbing a tenant in the building where he worked as a superintendent. A cyclical process of recovery/relapse ensues, and Entertainment Tonight is there to squeeze every last iota of material from it. On this day in 1994, African National Congress chief Nelson Mandela rejects demand by white right-wingers that he establish a separate homeland for them in South Africa. Meanwhile, in Liberia, Charles Taylor resigns as President of of the African nation established by American whites for African blacks who wanted to return to the Motherland after being freed from slavery. There's a joke in there somewhere, but yer old pal Jerky doesn't trust himself to tease it out without getting himself in trouble. On this day in 1999, death claims the mighty Kubrick.

THEY SAID IT! "I'm trying to write a novel about the end of the world, but the world is really ending! ... People are in revolt again life itself. ... If people insist on living as if there’s no tomorrow, there really won't be one." - If you're feeling particularly down in the dumps about the way things are going in the world, and you're worried about what the future holds, you probably shouldn't read this story about Kurt Vonnegut's rollicking, poignant, elegaic "last speech for money". *** **** *** "You caught me Alan, I tried to fuck your sheep." - Aside from the mugshot, probably the funniest thing about this true crime report is the fact that the guy who owns the sheep in question is named Alan Goats.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Henry Bent! Saturday morning I got up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went. Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Nan for sending in today's second joke. The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left giggleberry and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right man-meatball, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his Surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy Boots" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Henry Bent... A woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!" The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!" and doing so draws an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!" The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: PREDICTIONS AND PROGNOSTICATIONS care of: Ricsta Dear Jerky, If you check your archives you will observe that my two previous predictions,with regard to your various political elections, have proven correct. (I mention this only because it gives me a nice warm feeling in my shorts.) Hereby, I lay my knackers on the block again (with, as always, the clarity of distance). IRAQ: Colin Powell wrote a book. I recommend it. Soldiering is a trade and Powell is a master tradesman. He explicitly defined the requirements for success of martial action. His treatise also clearly describes political weaknesses or vacillations that presage failure. One might also recommend Machiavelli, if one had the fortitude, but frankly it is not that hard. Pym had it right (before he was killed); Islam is a backward, inflexible, intolerant and archaic belief. Its brittleness is obvious to any disinterested and isolated observer. The difference between Islam and other religious ideologies is its demand for absolute adherence to the original perfect form. If you delve, (and I hope you do) you will observe that encapsulating the problem in a readily readable form, and then inflicting one's insufferable prescience apon others, is a formidable undertaking. (Erudition, I fear, is not so much learning as it is snobbery.) Anyhoo. The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. If, at the start of your existence, you are informed of certain immutable facts and are then required to affirm them publicly in the form of prayer five times a day, it is likely that you will be convinced of the correctness of your position. It also makes you malleable in the hands of the ungodly. Stalin's useful fools. It is the both the adherent's strength and undoing. The recent outcry against the cartoons depicting Mohammed was illuminating in two regards; it was nine months after the fact, and it was erroneous in its insistence that the prophet should not be artistically portrayed. So to my prediction: The United States of America, much as I admire them, is incapable of overcoming the ideological core of the majority of the Iraqi population by force of arms. The general population of Iraq (and neighbours) committed intellectual suicide in their bassinets, courtesy of their mothers. These mothers did this to their children mainly from belief and also, to a lesser extent, from the threat of violence from their husbands - and we are not just talking the last generation. The hearts of the young are righteous and reason is the tool of the Western devils. George Bush is the tee-totaller trying to bring calm to a drunken pub brawl. It's going to end in tears and all will go home nursing bruises. Each will blame the other as usual, but the question is how far will it go? Here's my bet; not too bloody far. At least not in Iraq. Everybody is taking a kicking - in country and at home. Iran and North Korea are using this distraction to further their determination to become the nuclear bigboys in their regions. The longer the "coalition of the willing" looks the wrong way the bigger the final punch-up is going to be. In your country, and in Western Europe, tolerance and courtesy is wearing thin. Major international conflict is coming to the Middle East. No, friends, you haven't seen "major" yet. Time to start looking for other supplies of energy because these pricks will die for an ideal espoused by a priest who cares nothing for the wellbeing of his flock. Don't waste your time debating the right or wrong of the situation, there is a fight coming. And right in the middle of the energy supply. Two things are needed in fairly short order: First; an alternative energy supply (yes, thank you Iceland, we did notice, you smug pricks). Second, a good tradesman. Kindest regards, Ricsta [I don't completely agree with you -- for instance, episodes of iconoclasm are hardly unique to Islam -- but I get where you're coming from. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Jerky, What's this I hear about the microchip company putting chips in our passports are also working with Wal Mart for chips in all their products to track what we buy and how we use it? Isnt this all a bit Orwellian? This sounds very invasive to me. The passport thing freaks me out. When I travel, sometimes I do shit I dont want people to know about - it's legal, I just dont want people to know. Hey, Korea legalized prostitution for a reason! And its fucking dispicable a grown man cant go to a grown woman, give her money to get in a basket, pay extra to get in in her ass, and have her spin without having Big Brother know he is doing it. Its fucking legal there, and aint none of those girls under 21. Now Wal mart is gonna follow people as well? Not that I shop there, but its the fucking point. Is there any truth to this? Is there any legislation I can write to my member of congress or the senate about to stop this fucking shit? What the fuck can we do before they are testing our fecal matter as it comes out? Later, The Dalhi Bobba [I dunno... a general strike? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hi Jerky, It just occurred to me, today, that a possible reason for Neo-Con nazis' Gay bashing is: If not for Allen Touring cracking the German Enigma machine, it might not have taken these Nazis 55 more years to seize the Casablanca. SINcerely, Sjohn ["Casablanca" being Spanish for "White House", and Allen Touring being a fag... right? - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, I assumed a women's right to conctrol their bodies was a basic human right and now it's not. This is really scary, these draconian laws that don't even allow for rape or inset are totally f'd. I suppose this is because at least in Mississippi they like to have sex with their daughters but still it's so freaking SAD!!! How can people just sit idly by and not really give a flying fuck anymore? No one is awake anymore, we are all in a coma. Rob R. [ZzzzzzSNORT Huh? Whuzzat!!! You say something? - Jerky] *** **** *** MopJ, Maybe the local weed is really good or perhaps I'm just totally jaded by cum-drenching midget fucking stump penetration pics, but I've looked at Dirtfiles more than a couple times and always wondered why you had almost exactly the same stuff on both sites. Oh. No Porn. Duh. How did I miss that? It's the 'workview' version of the DD I always wanted! Thanks, ABC [You're very welcome. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky! Did you hear? In an attempt to thwart the spread of the bird flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands. Nan or Ben [As long as he doesn't hit the Cumbre Vieja volcano and "accidentally" spark an eastern seaboard-demolishing mega-tsunami. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey MOPJ: Have you seen this? Old Walter Cronkite shares your view point on the war on drugs. We just wish the law makers were as smart as you two!!!! R. Vogt [Yeah, me and Walt used to buy our shit from the same dealer, back in the day. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hail Jerky One, Reading the Dirt? Happiness. Having you agree with my thinking? Great! Surfing the Free Pics and finding a pic of my neighbors new wife, and being able to recognize her new bed with my (supposedly) not ever being inside his house? Priceless! Life is indeed good. And no, I'm not telling. Cheers, YOPMick [Glad to be of service, brutha! - Jerky]

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